Two week world tour 1: Ninja and Jo’s wedding and Kris’s stag do

Back in May Ninja and Jo got married and me and Al decided to go back to the UK for the occasion. Worked out nice too as Kris was getting married in Singapore two weeks later so we could do both in the same trip, as well as give Kris a kind of stag do, see family and have a week or so’s holiday in Asia, all in about two and a half weeks!

So we set off on Thursday night straight from work to the airport, and 3 flights via Melbourne and Hong Kong and 28 hours later we were at Heathrow. After what felt like another 28 hours, but was closer to an hour and a half we’d made it to central London (Heathrow hasn’t changed). Friday night was our one night in London and managed to catch up with a fair few people which was really good. Barely felt like I’d been away seeing everyone again.

Next day we were up bright and early to get the train to Cheltenham for the wedding. Again was great to see everyone there. I was one of the witnesses for the marriage, and Ninja congratulated me in the groom speech for successfully managing to sign my own name. After all, it is a task I have been known to fail!

I did my best (although I think I could have done ‘better’) in trying to uphold the tradition of someone wearing a loud awful tie for a mates wedding. It was Jamie who started this tradition at Statto’s wedding by wearing a tie he wears anyway but thinks its tasteful. Ninja bought one especially for Jamie’s wedding, and Al would do it for Kris’s.

Due to the prevalence of pointing photos in my blog, Jamie insisted I had one of me pointing at the happy couple, so here we are.


Jet lag was occasionally causing a bit of an issue during the day but managed to successfully drink through it. Was a really good day and really enjoyed it, but after breakfast and a walk the next day, I had to go as it was time for the ‘see the parents’ leg of the trip. Course, as soon as I met my folks I hit the wall and slept most of the way home in the car. Must have been because I stopped drinking.

Only had a couple of days back home but had a nice day out with the folks and Richard and Dawn, and again was good to see family as it had been 9 months. But having arrived in the UK on Friday lunchtime, by Tuesday lunch it was time to get a train back to London to get a flight to Singapore. Still managed a couple of cheeky pints with some more people in London before heading to the airport though. So it was then onwards to Singapore for a kind of stag do for Kris. It was only me, Al and Kris and it wasn’t Kris’s official stag do but we had to take Kris out and get him smashed on behalf of the UK crowd. Thanks to Al for the following guest blogging

Well, I’d like to tell you what we did on the stag do, but frankly most of its very hazy. I can remember 2 things in particular. The first was at a bar where all the seats were wheelchairs. The drink came via drips, via the mouth before you ask. By this stage we were already well on our way and took great amusement in trying to race and bounce into each other. The staff found this less amusing. About the last thing I remember was seeing some stacked wine glasses and a fountain of some spirit cocktail being lit. Thanks for that Woody and I hope you enjoyed the one we subsequently got you. Seemingly there were 2 bars afterwards, but this was only confirmed the next day after Pete found some bar receipts in his wallet.

Anyway, we stumbled home, ordered home delivery McDonalds and instantly fell asleep before it arrived. Pete and I passed out sitting on the sofa upright, Woody flat on the floor. Pete later woke up and took great pleasure in taking photos of me and Woody asleep. Bizarrely, Pete then decided to go to sleep. On the floor. Later I woke up, confused to see both Woody and Pete sleeping on the floor (not together - PB). But not confused enough to realise that meant there were 2 beds going spare. Rising the next morning we took much pleasure in the thought that Woody was now blacklisted by McDonalds, following the 6 missed calls during the night.

Anyway, there were several bars, minimal food and we managed to spend a lot of money. Well, precisely all the money the UK people gave us for Woody’s wedding present….ok, we did replace it all later.

The stag do was a cracking night - I’m assuming this by the fact we can’t remember it all and felt like death the next day. Luckily me and Al had decided not to get the early flight to Laos the next day (we probably wouldn’t have made it). We were still up fairly early to get to Woody’s new flat (aka the new marital home) as he was getting new furniture delivered. More time was spent lying on the floor feeling ill, although this time there was no furniture to lie on so we didn’t even have a choice. We had a macca’s breakfast to try and recover, although obviously this was not delivered.

Then it was off to the airport to fly to Laos.

Fiji: Sea, sunshine, tropical islands….and a military coup

As Easter is a long weekend, decided to make the most of it and go somewhere, so me and Al went to Fiji. You can’t do that at Easter back home! Flew into a place called NadI, which is a 4 hour flight and two hours ahead, so by the time we arrived there wasn’t time to do much so we sat on the grey beach, had a few beers and enjoyed the afternoon rainstorm.

Next day we got a boat out to Mana Island. Fiji is made up of lots of small islands, many of which aren’t much more than some beaches, trees and a few places to stay. Pretty nice. Went kayaking in the afternoon and much like when I did it in Sydney, my inability to paddle consistently resulted in me going round in circles and ultimately the toys coming out of the pram again. Really must learn to kayak properly sometime. But as usual, the main objective was to try and splash as much water into Al’s kayak as possible.

There was one slightly hairy moment. A plane was coming in to land and we assumed it was just going to the airstrip on the island, but it seemed to be coming in a bit low. As it got closer realised it was a sea plane and it was heading straight for our bit of water. With my kayaking (lack of) ability there was no way I was going to get out of its way so it was a case of hoping it wouldn’t land near us. It obviously didn’t land near us as I probably wouldn’t be writing this, but it was looking interesting for a bit!


The hostel we were staying in was right on the beach so it was nice in the evening having some food and drink and generally just chilling out. The hostel put on a bit of a show where we got to watch various Polynesian Island dances and some bloke juggling fire,and we chatted to some of the other people in the hostel there were two Scandinavian looking girls. The conversation went something to the lines of “So where are you from?” “Norway.” “And what do you do in Norway?” “We’ve just finished high school.”


Next morning we went out with the hostel’s dive boat to a reef and while others dived we snorkelled. Saw a few sharks which was pretty cool. Were slightly worried for a bit as the boat disappeared and there are stories of snorkellers and divers just getting abandoned in the middle of the ocean.

After snorkelling for a while I started feeling a bit queasy, and this got progressively worse until I ended up treading water while being sick. Lovely. Still, I’m sure some fish would have ended up eating it. Probably would have made a nice change from normal plankton.

Felt much better but on the motor boat back to the island started feeling a bit iffy again, so ended up having round 2 hanging out the side. Anyone who has ever done this will know that it sprays upwards so I was hanging out as far as I could without falling out to avoid spraying it all over one of the aforementioned Norwegian girls. I managed this just, and amazingly according to Al nobody in the boat seemed to know what I was doing!

The moral to this story is obviously don't go snorkelling at 9 in the morning, nothing to do with alcohol consumption the night before.

We decided to head for another island after one night on Mana. Annoyingly because everyone wants you to go on their boats nobody tells you anything else, so we got a boat back to the mainland, then found another boat to take us to Bounty Island, but on the way stopped off at Mana Island about 100 yards down the beach from our hostel, so we ended up wasting 4 hours or so. But never mind.



Bounty Island was similar to Mana - small and not much there, but nice. The water was warm and clear, so did some swimming and snorkelling (where I managed to avoid being ill).
That’s pretty much all we had time to do though as we had to head back to the airport. Did have time though to buy some awful Hawaiian style shirts. They seem to be the only thing Fijian blokes wear, so it only seemed right to buy a couple. I’ve only worn one out in public once, but do wear them round the flat a bit, much to Nadia’s disgust!


At the airport, we saw the headlines on some of the newspapers and it turns out that the day we arrived there was a military coup of sorts. What happened was something like...a couple of years ago there was an actual military coup, and some General had been Prime Minister ever since, but the day we arrived the Judiciary had deemed it illegal and said he should no longer be in charge. The President’s response to this was to re-instate the General, sack the Judiciary, dissolve the Constitution, censor the press, and cancel any elections until 2014. Australia and New Zealand were threatening sanctions and calling for Fiji to be booted out of the Commonwealth. So Fiji was in political turmoil and we were completely oblivious the whole time we were there! Tourism just seem to carry on as normal.

The first couple of months down under

Four days after I arrived in Oz I started work, which wasn’t anywhere near as much of a culture shock as I was expecting. I also didn’t have too many problems staying awake which was my main concern having spent most of the previous 5 months not getting much sleep because when you’re travelling and not needing to use your brain much you don’t need as much sleep. I could still just about remember how to use Excel too - once you’re sad you never lose it!

Spent about a week and a half sleeping on Al’s kitchen floor albeit on a sofa bed, but after that moved into an apartment in the middle of the city for 2 weeks paid for by work as part of the secondment package. I had the choice of several apartments including one in a big block right next to work, but opted for one 15 minutes walk away as I didn’t fancy being able to see my desk from the window of the apartment. Its bad enough being able to see the building I work in from almost anywhere in the city given the monstrosity that is the E&Y building, so certainly didn’t want it to be the first thing I saw in the morning.

The apartment itself was ok. It was like living in a hotel room that didn’t get cleaned! It only had four working tv channels, two of which were porn channels, and not particularly good ones either … errr … not that I watched them obviously.

Despite not really getting properly lost in over 4 months travelling, I didn’t waste any time here. Walked to Woolloomooloo for drinks one night and it took 15 minutes. But it was light and someone else was in charge of directions. When I came back it was dark and I was on my own, and it took me quite a lot longer than that to find my way back When I found a big stretch of water between myself and the Opera House which was near where I was staying, I knew I’d gone wrong! The worst bit though was that by the time I did get back, Hungry Jacks (Burger King) had stopped serving just seconds before. Devastated…had to go to Macca’s. As one bloke in the same position said “Hungry Jacks has let us down…well f*** them.” Here here.

Anyway, started to look for somewhere to live that week. Looked in Bondi which along with Manly is where most Brits live, but that wasn’t the reason. It is by the beach which is different to London, it is a decent journey to work, and I know a few people around there. Was looking for a flat share as thought it would be a good way to meet new people.

As usual meeting randoms can be interesting! One ad I looked at said

“I’ve got to go away to work for 3 months so you’d be living with my girlfriend. Will post some photos later”

Was tempted to ask if that was photos of the flat or the girlfriend. Turned out it was the former. Another ad posted pictures of themselves rather than the flat, and you could see why as they were two not unattractive girls! Ended up looking at seven places in the end, and only one of those had any Aussies living there, and even then they were from out of town - people from Sydney really don’t live in Bondi.

One place I looked at, the girl was looking for someone who didn’t drink! And I noticed when I went to look round that she didn’t have a tv. Think that one wasn’t meant to be! Ended up living with an English girl - Nadia - in the nicest of the flats I looked at. Less than 5 minutes walk to the beach, sea views from the balcony, even a view of the harbour (just) from my bedroom window.


The day I moved in Nadia invited me to the beach to a one year old’s birthday party (said one year old belonged to one of her friends). Walking back along the beach carrying a plastic lorry for toddlers to ride on wasn’t exactly what I thought I’d be doing when I moved to Sydney! Did have to explain a couple of times though that I wouldn’t under any circumstances be doing any baby sitting!

Top tip though for when you move in with someone you don’t know - don’t refer to them as a “random” in front of them! Oops

Have also done a lot of watching sport, and some playing. Successfully proved that there is definitely an optimal amount of beer to drink when playing pool. Playing doubles with Al’s flatmate Brad, we wiped the floor with various hapless Aussies in some pub in town, playing progressively better as we had more to drink. This never lasts though as you pass the ‘optimal’ and things started to deteriorate. We still won, we just had to rely on dumb luck!

Managed to play football once too, or soccer as they like to incorrectly call it over here. I thought I’d kept reasonably fit on my travels but this said otherwise. An hour and half running around in the midday heat and I could barely move the rest of the day. Or the next day.

So it probably wasn’t the cleverest thing to do to go kayaking in the harbour the next day as sitting in the thing wasn’t the most comfortable. Add to that my inability to paddle consistently, and I ended up going round in circles half the time, and the toys came out the pram (or kayak) on more than one occasion. I even fell out of the kayak once (through incompetence though, not temper).

We paddled from Rose Bay to some nearby beaches, and then we were going to across to Shark Island, a small island in the harbour, but as we set off a regatta seemed to appear from nowhere, and we were surrounded by huge yachts flying by. They would have quite happily driven straight through us too. At one point it was “err, there seems to be a yacht coming straight for me”. Luckily it turned and missed me, but decided I‘d been lucky, so Shark Island was abandoned as too dangerous.

On the subject of sharks, there were quite a lot of shark attacks when I first arrived. They seemed to be happening everywhere including at surfing beaches like Bondi. But nevertheless agreed to go surfing…and what was the top news story while sitting eating breakfast before going … a shark attack that had happened that morning. Still went though and didn’t get eaten … but my surfing ability is still non-existent.

Also managed to play tennis once on the roof of someone’s apartment building in the middle of the city. Very surreal. We amazingly didn’t lose any balls over the side into the road seven storeys below!

Watched a decent amount of sport too. Disappointingly saw the Aussies beat the Kiwis at cricket in a one dayer and in a 20/20. Went to Super 14 rugby union - New South Wales Waratahs v Queensland Reds. Despite it being a local derby grudge match, it was fairly dull like most union games I seem to see. Went to rugby league too, seeing the Sydney Roosters, the team I have foolishly decided to support, lose heavily to the South Sydney Rabbitohs. Not sure what a rabbitoh actually is - I think its just a rabbit, but Australians have to add o to the end of everything. I thoroughly expect to be nicknamed Bezzo very soon.

Also made it over to Melbourne for the Formula One Grand Prix. Was a fun weekend. The cars were amazingly noisy and it is impressive how fast they go and equally how fast they can brake - you don‘t really appreciate this on the telly. We were two or three corners before the finish straight. While it was good, without a big screen it was difficult to know what was going on in terms of positions (there is commentary but you can’t hear it half the time). You know what is going on for the first few laps but as soon as pits stops start and people spin off etc it gets difficult.



Went to Aussie Rules at the MCG the day before the grand prix for Collingwood v Adelaide. The atmosphere was pretty good even though the 90,000 stadium was less than half full. Adelaide triumphed 90-86 so quite close and exciting. When I came to Oz in 2004 I adopted the West Coast Eagles as my AFL team, but was thinking of changing to someone closer to home as Perth is a good couple of time zones away, but having found out that the Sydney Swans hate the West Coast, decided I’d stick with them as it would be better banter! Subsequently found out that the whole of Australia hates the West Coast, so definitely sticking with them!



Since the last time I was in Melbourne a couple of years back, they've got themselves a new viewing tower - the Eureka Tower - so we went up it. (Its pretty much mandatory to go up a viewing tower if there is one). The big gimmick is standing in this pod thing that then slides out the side of the building and the floor suddenly goes transparent and you can see however many storeys down to the street. Lame. But not bad for $12!




Had a few drinks with Russ, another English guy we know, the Sunday night in Melbourne, and what was going to be a couple of quiet ones got a bit out of hand, and we were still in the pub after midnight despite needing to be up soon after 4 to get our flight back. Went straight to work from the airport and suffice to say it was not an easy day. The moral of the story is never go out drinking with people who don’t need to be in work the next day. This is a lesson we should have learnt a couple of weeks earlier, as we ended being bullied by Nadia into staying out until about 2.30am, and on a school night too. She had the day off after too.

Only seen one soccer/football match (delete as appropriate) here as its off season and that was a world cup qualifier at the Olympic Stadium between Australia (the socceroos) and Uzbekistan. Now I want the footballeroos to be at the world cup for the banter if nothing else, but was still struggling to want them to win just on general principle. They won 2-0 in the end and are as good as qualified. Although they will almost certainly beat England if they play them (which they will - World Cup draws like most football draws are fixed - you heard it here first!), they are rubbish. The standard was pretty much what I became accustomed to watching Forest in League One.

Watching English sport is a bit trickier. Six Nations involved going to bed, then getting up at 2am, watching the match and going back to bed. EPL - English Premier League - is on any time from midnight till about 6am. Intend to do the EPL all nighter at some point as I failed when here two years or so ago, but may have to wait for next season. Champions League is do-able as games kicked off about 6.45am before the clocks changed, but now its 4.45 so a bit tougher. Doesn’t exactly set you up for the day! Did that for England v Ukraine though and it wasn’t too bad.

Have also met up with some people I met travelling. Had a few beers with Jason in Melbourne who I’d met in Canada. Kate who I met in Rosario in Argentina and hung out with in Buenos Aires at Christmas is here too to work, and is living in Coogee just round the coast. And Antje from my Patagonia tour came over.

Apparently I didn’t mention Antje’s nationality in an earlier blog so have been asked to point out that she is German (although has a Dutch name). She has lived in Sydney before so was pretty much showing me around rather than the other way round, so went to places such as the Fish Market (had a massive mixed platter), Watson’s Bay and the Botanical Gardens. Was a nice weekend.

So that’s pretty much the first couple of months in Oz.

The sad, geeky stats summary bit

Come on, you knew it was coming, after all Microsoft Excel geek is my job title! So since last September when I left the UK (which seems a very long time ago now) I have travelled over 31,000 miles through 9 countries over three continents not including the start and end points, England and Australia. Ok so two of those countries – Brazil and Uruguay - were only day trips but still got the passport stamps! It would be ten countries if you count the fact I was in US waters at one point, but that is pushing it! I have now visited a total of 34 countries - 35 if you count the US...and 36 if you count the People's Republic of Tooting! See map for full route
http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=2646051

I was away for almost four and a half months, which was 19 weeks or 135 days. By Andy McBean’s calculations (see earlier blog entry) in that time I would have spent over 40 hours going to the toilet! And you probably don't want to know this, so apologies, but three of those were in one session in a hotel room in Cuba, something that could be verified by Wim, my Belgian roommate, who could hear the whole episode through the wall. Poor guy is probably still mentally scarred.

I took a total of 14 flights, quite an impressive carbon footprint, and countless bus rides. The longest bus ride was only 23 hours which is pretty lame really compared to some of the rides that can be done in South America. Its bizarre, in the UK there is pretty much no way I’d even contemplate travelling by coach under normal circumstances, yet double figure hours duration journeys became the norm. The buses are better certainly in Argentina and Chile though.

Bolivia was my favourite place – did some enjoyable things you can’t really do anywhere else and met some good people. Chile was probably my second favourite place as really enjoyed San Pedro de Atacama, Torres Del Paine and Pucon. But there wasn’t anywhere I actually disliked.

I wouldn’t pick any one moment as being the best, but highlights would probably be

- Canada – the wapiti having a wander round our bus - Cuba – the whole time was just great fun with a great group

- Costa Rica – carrying the baby turtle to the water, and getting variously attacked by monkeys and racoons was pretty funny

- Ecuador – getting to the top of Cotopaxi, riding on the roof of the train in Riobamba, and the first day in Galapagos seeing so much stuff

- Bolivia – the slat flats trip was amazing scenery all the way and the mine in Potosi while scary was not something I’ll ever forget

- Argentina – the atmosphere at the Boca game, and in town when they won the title and the spectacular view when you first see Iguazu (although that was from Brazil!)

- Chile – sandboarding in San Pedro, the scenery in Torres del Paine, and Pucon generally from the people who were there to sliding down the mountain to the relief of finishing the hydrospeeding.

And travelling on my own was brilliant too. Won’t deny I wasn’t a little bit anxious about it before I went away, but ended up meeting so many people; barely spent any time without someone to talk to. Staying in hostels it’s pretty impossible not to meet people if you want to, although you do end up drinking too much because you inevitably end up drinking with whoever you meet! It was just really good meeting and talking to so many different people all the time. There are disadvantages to travelling alone but these were vastly outweighed by the good stuff.

Was also a bit anxious about not speaking any Spanish when I left beyond yes, no, please and thank you, but getting round was also much easier than I thought. I probably had get-by Spanish by the end in that I could always sort out what I wanted – food, accommodation, bus tickets….haircuts – without any major problems. English was spoken by some but I tried to have a go in Spanish in the first instance when I could. And at no point did I have to shout loudly in English about three inches from someone’s face to get them to understand me, a tactic that has been known to work in Europe (because everyone understands English if its spoken at the right volume) but with limited success in Latin America!

Now I just need to get used to not travelling, i.e. it's no longer ok to wear the same clothes for several days. On a couple of occasions when I was getting laundry done having not done any for a couple of weeks, I would have seven or so t-shirts that needed washing, yet could only find two pairs of boxer shorts that needed washing. Oops!

So the whole thing was great and really enjoyed it (and is much better than work!) Will have to start thinking about where to go next now!

One last attempt to hurt myself so I don't have to go back to work

Not happy with having escaped death doing hydrospeeding, I decided one last attempt to hurt myself was appropriate; work was after all just over a week away and I had to try something to get out of it! I did canyoning in Costa Rica, and wasn't very good at it for no good reason really, so decided to give it another go. The tour agency had two trips on offer, one was river trekking and the other was rappelling down waterfalls, so signed up to the second one.

Turned up the next day only for the agency to realise that they'd booked me on the wrong one, and the one I wanted had left an hour ago. So had to postpone until the next day. Caught the bus to the Parque Nacional Huerquehue instead and walked around there. Was quite picturesque with forests and several lakes. Walked about 17km in 5 hours.

Next day did manage to do the canyoning though. The guide explained that we would rappel down three waterfalls, one 7m high, one 10m high and the other 85m high! Yikes. We were given wet suits, helmets and gloves and off we went. The 7m high one was a bit tricky because it was so slippery and did lose my footing and swing into the rocks once. The 10m one was ok, but el Puma was saved until the end. The first few steps were quite tricky as you had to put your feet in pretty exact spots, but after the first 10m you couldn't touch the rocks and was I just lowering myself down a rope with a really spectacular view. Pretty cool - I even dared look down a few times! Was great fun and glad I did it, and was in properly in control of my descent mostly, so a big improvement from Costa Rica.

Chilled on the beach for a couple of hours after the canyoning. While I was on the beach there was an aerobatics display by what I assume was the Chilean equivalent of the Red Arrows which was pretty good, especially when it looked like one of the planes was just falling out the sky towards the beach before the pilot the took control again. A big military helicopter also flew by a few times.

That night I left Pucon on an overnight bus back to Santiago. Would have loved to have stayed longer as this was one of the most fun hostels I stayed in on my whole trip. The people in my dorm were really good fun too. Sarah and Damien were kind of like two characters from Father Ted (description courtesy of Wikipedia): "'John and Mary O'Leary', a married couple who own a hardware shop on Craggy Island. The pair utterly hate each other and are constantly insulting and devising ways to maim and kill each other, yet they behave like a happily married couple to Ted." Brilliant. Charlotte was French but spoke in the best English accent any of us had ever heard (and one which we had never heard an English person talk in!) There were two English girls, Nicki and Susie, who were a good laugh too.

One night, Damien got asked to leave the room because he was snoring so loud so had to find a sofa. Next morning, there was an inquest as there was a crescendo of snoring going on apparently. Susie pleaded guilty and asked for two counts of talking in her sleep to also be taken into consideration, but outrageously I got accused too, allegations I strongly deny! And it was never proven! It was a really good laugh. I was sad to leave Pucon because it was a nice town, there was loads of good stuff to do and met some great people.

Got the overnight bus back to Santiago and generally just spent a couple of days wandering around. Did the walking tour suggested by the guide book which takes you via some of the main sites, then went up Cerro Santa Lucia, a small park in the middle of the city that gives pretty decent views over the city. The view from Cerro San Cristobal was even better though, as I got the funicular railway then a cable car to the top. Did an open top bus tour the next day to get a bit of history and see some of the more suburban parts of Santiago. Got off at the Museum of Fine Arts but didn’t really last long in there! Spent the rest of the day chilling on the roof terrace of the hostel before going to the airport to get my flight to Sydney.

Check in was slightly hairy. I was travelling on a dodgy student ticket as this saved me about a grand and a half, but that wasn’t the problem. For some reason the ticket wasn’t electronic so I’d been carrying around a paper ticket for my whole trip. It was still in tact, but apparently wasn’t actually a ticket; arguably I should have noticed this by the words “void for travel” plastered all over it. The check-in woman seemed to also be concerned by the lack of visa in my passport for Australia. If there was a problem with the visa work had organised, then I would have tried to organise an electronic tourist visa which tragically would have prevented me from working. But in the end she seemed happy that I had a visa and not bothered by my lack of proper ticket (although not sure why this wasn’t a problem), so I got through.

The plane was disappointing to say the least as it was the worst entertainment system ever (short of it being broken). 18 hours of flight and a choice of six films according to the brochure, but in reality one wasn’t anywhere to be found and four weren’t even remotely watchable. The airline was LAN who I flew with to Easter Island - what happened to the choice of 44 films they had on those planes? I’d almost planned what I was going to watch too. Luckily I managed more sleep than I normally do on flights.

We landed at Auckland at about 3am and were kicked off the plane. After a brief moment of panic when I got stuck in a toilet cubicle with an electronic lock – it took several attempts to get out – I was on the way to Sydney. Arrived at 7am, and I got through customs in no time, surprising considering I had ticked “yes” to five out of 11 boxes on the customs declaration form. But they weren’t concerned about my wooden moai from Easter Island, the mud on my shoes, the fact I’d come from South America, or anything else and pretty much waved me through.

It was nice to arrive at an airport and not have to size up the chances of the taxi driver robbing you, as my employers had laid on a car (there is probably less risk of that in Australia than the places I’d been the last few months). The driver was a bit late, and proceeded to tell me he was up late the night before. He didn’t say if he was drinking or not, but decided it best not to ask! Got dropped at an internet café where I could leave my bag while I went to purchase some work clothes, as due to various cock ups, my stuff that was being shipped over would arrive almost three weeks after me. Was pretty much sorted by lunchtime though, possibly my most successful shopping trip ever! I did though say "si" and "gracias" a few times - being in an English speaking country for the first time in 4 months will take a bit of getting used to again!

It was really hot when I arrived, so after meeting up with Al went for swim at Bronte, then had an $8 steak at the pub, the first of many hopefully. Over the next few days, went for a couple more swims, watched some English sport in the middle of the night, and went to the one day cricket game between Australia and New Zealand at the SCG. Unfortunately Australia won but it was a good game. I might be here for two years but I have no intention of supporting Australia at sport, at least not most of the time, and definitely not at cricket.

The cricket was the day before my first day back at work and had it been a typical day at the cricket in England, I might not have created the best first impression next day. There have been times where I was struggling to even talk the next day after a full day session at the cricket. But aside from the fact I deliberately took it easy, this is Australia, where all they serve at cricket is mid strength beer, so all that happens is you go to the toilet a lot and run out money. The likelihood of getting drunk is slim. This was a big problem when I was over here in 2006/07 watching England take a 5-0 thumping in the Ashes – you need full strength alcohol and plenty of it to watch England play cricket. But in this case it was nice to enjoy the game and actually remember it.

And that was that, back to work!

Easily the stupidest thing I've ever done!

On arrival back in Santiago, I left straight away. I would be back for a day or two before flying to Sydney, so wanted to head south to Pucon, so I got another overnight bus, this time for 11 hours. By the time the bus arrived I could barely move my legs; Chilean buses are ok but not as good as Argentinian ones.

Headed straight for my hostel but although I was in the right place, I couldn't find the entrance, so had to carry my stuff back to the main street to go on the internet to get directions. This was a pain as it was already pretty hot even at 9am and certainly too hot to be carrying big backpacks around. And sure enough when I found the entrance I had walked straight past it earlier. Muppetry strikes again.

Didn't do too much the rest of the day except organise a couple of trips, have an afternoon sleep and chill around the hostel. The hostel was great, it was more like a posh house than a hostel. Big garden with pool, big rooms, proper mattresses, and the plushest bathroom I've ever seen in a hostel, very good.

Next day I was up before 6 to climb up Villarica, an active volcano near Pucon. We had crampons but never needed to use them as the climbing boots we were given gripped the snow fine. Took about 4 hours to get to the top, and it was a pretty gentle climb with very few steep bits unlike Cotopaxi. And the altitude wasn't a problem as it was only 2,840m high.

Had lunch at the top and wandered around the volcano crater. There was a steady plume of smoke coming out which when you stood in the wrong place you could really smell the sulphur, which made my throat sting a bit. We were lucky it was a clear day though as the views were really good; Pucon is in the Chilean lake district and you could see lots of mountains and lakes.

By far the best bit was getting down though, because you slide down on your bum! We wore these bizarre things round our bums and also had a plastic tray type thing for some runs. There were lots of grooves in the snow already kind of like mini toboggan runs where people had already slid down. But as with driving a car I had two big problems: steering and braking!
Admittedly braking was no fun, much better to go fast, but steering and staying in the grooves was harder, possibly due to lack of braking. I managed to perform an audacious overtaking manoeuvre on the first run, going 'off piste', overtaking and then back on, and all complete luck! On other runs whenever I came to a bend I tended to end up going straight on despite my best efforts to turn. While this was fun, a couple of times I needed to roll onto my front and adopt the emergency stop position using the ice axe. It also hurts when you fly over a bump, get some air then land. But great fun.

When we were almost back at the bottom, we looked back up and there was loads of smoke coming out the volcano, way more than when we were at the top. Not a real eruption, but it was a few moments of excitement nonetheless!

Met up with Nikki, my Patagonia tour leader, that evening for a drink or two, which was good. The full tour was Santiago to Ushuaia and back again, doing six back to back in the season, and the northbound tour that had started when we finished in Ushuaia happened to be in Pucon at the same time I was.

Although I could possibly have waited until Oz, that would be no fun, so decided to risk another haircut – you never know, something could get lost in lack of translation and it all get shaved off. Not $1.50 like Quito, but 3,000 Chilean peso's is about 3 pounds 50 so still wasn't bad. But nothing went wrong, and Edith did a fine job, and I had another smart numero dos.

What I did later that day easily ranks as one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I had seen adverts and the odd picture for hydrospeeding in some of the tour agencies, and not ever having heard of it much less done it I thought that was reason enough to do it - always up for trying new activities after all. It was clear from the pictures that you're in the water with some kind of polystyrene float, but that was all I knew. The true stupidity of this only became clear when it was almost too late.

As I'm standing there putting on a set of knee pads, three (yes three) wet suits, a wet suit jacket, a crash helmet and some flippers, the penny dropped (something that should have happened much earlier, like before I booked it for example): we were going to go face first down a white water rafting course. I don't mind rafting, but I'm not its biggest fan and can take it or leave it. Getting stuck under water (a la Kris's near death experience in New Zealand) didn't appeal much, nor did the idea of falling out and getting bashed into rocks, but here I was about to go down a rafting course without the raft and with little more than a few layers of wet suit between me and pain. I wasn't filled with confidence either by the fact that there were lots of tears in the wet suits. I wasn't about to ask what caused this, but was guessing rocks. The guide's wet suits were so torn it looked like he'd been in a fight...and lost. I was seriously starting to think that I'd definitely gone and done it this time.

Something else that emphasises how insane this is, it completely contradicts the logic of what you do when you fall out of a raft: you lie on your back and go down feet first in case you find rocks. With hydrospeeding you go down on your front face first. Clever.

We had a quick demo in some still shallow water, where we were shown how to unflip if we turned over. This was difficult enough in water that wasn't moving, so decided I was properly screwed if I tipped in rapids. It would definitely be the end. Decided I would really have to not tip. Was bricking it by this point.

When we set off it didn't take long to whack some rocks pretty hard with my legs, and land on a rock with my balls, which for the avoidance of doubt, hurt. A lot. And this was before the proper rapids. The guide soon announced that the rapids were about to start, and they were grade 3! I have only ever rafted on grade 3/4! Significant steering would be required to avoid hitting big rocks and going through the dangerous bits of the rapids, and this was pretty hard work with just flippers against grade 3 rapids; your arms are inside the polystyrene thing and are used just for balance mostly. Course, to know which way to steer required seeing the guide up front pointing which direction to go, not easy when you have loads of water crashing into your face constantly.

Having successfully negotiated a couple of these, we were then told we needed to kick hard as there was a small hole we could get sucked down. I didn't quite catch what we should do if we did get sucked down, or how far it went, but decided the best plan was to kick hard and not end up in it.

Somehow though I managed to get down the full course which was 13km long with nothing but minor cuts and bruises. Of the five of us who started, only three of us made it to the end. Its not that they weren't seen again, but they didn't fancy it and rode the rest of the way in the rafts that were going down the same course with us. At times it felt like I was being dragged along the river bed as it was quite shallow in parts, but it was quite fun when I wasn't crashing into rocks, and getting thrown up in the air by the rapids was pretty exciting. Rafting is definitely for wusses!

So believe it or not I would recommend doing this! Just like crawling through the mine in Bolivia, there is nothing quite like scaring yourself half to death! I did vow afterwards to never do it again, but that would be grossly underestimating my own stupidity, so I think it is more a Steve Redgrave style "never", so if anyone ever sees me go near a hydrospeeding foam thing, you have my permission to shoot me.

That night in the hostel a few of us chipped to buy some meat etc and had a really good barbecue, and drank in the garden until late. Welcome relaxation after the excitement of hydrospeeding.

Rapa Nui

Having worked out that I would have about two weeks in Chile after visiting Mendoza, I read the guide book to see where was worth going. A lot of stuff sounded good, but also sounded like a lot of the stuff I'd already done on my trip. Easter Island though sounded pretty unique, so decided to head there. The flights were pretty pricey, but thought it would be worth it, and I may not be back in this part of the world so should go while I'm here.

It took almost five hours to fly there, but you had your own entertainment system, so for the first time in months I'd be able to watch films, so I decided to take full advantage. After watching some random action movie, there were a number of high brow offerings to choose from, but it was a no brainer, and I opted for The Simpsons Movie. Unfortunately though due to a technical malfunction I would have to wait until the flight home to see the last half hour and whether Homer could save Springfield. Doh! The suspense!

Easter Island - which is apparently in Oceania and not South America - is known locally as Rapa Nui. Its airport was little more than a small building and a big piece of tarmac. Someone from the hostel was there to meet me and immediately I had a big garland of flowers around my neck! I was actually staying at a camp site but it had a few dorms, so I was in there. It was a really nice location right by the sea. After an afternoon sleep, I went for a wander around the 'town' of Hanga Roa. It was the only town on the island and was more of a street with a few shops and restaurants on rather than a town, so was very uncommercial and very pleasant. The annual festival started a week later, so we were able to watch the rehearsals of the traditional dancing that evening, which was pretty good.

Just chilled around the campsite that night, although accidentally drank half a bottle of vodka. Andy, an English guy from my dorm (who actually dislikes scousers more than me!), had what I thought was just the end of a bottle of vodka (stored in a plastic bottle to avoid the attention of customs), but I found out the next day it was a full bottle of cheap, nasty vodka. Oops.

Still, was up at a decent time the next day for a day of culture, a full guided tour of the island to get all the history. The main attraction of Rapa Nui are the moai, giant stone statues of people. There are numerous ahu's on the island which are the stands on which the moai stand, and lots of moai's strewn around the island. Some were just sitting there as if in transit and many were face down and pretty eroded. Some years ago there were no standing moai at all, as they had all been tipped for some reason, but some sites have been restored and seeing all these huge statues was pretty spectacular. It was an interesting day.

Historians and archaeologists aren't agreed on how the huge stone statues were transported from the quarry and eventually stood up, as they weighed anything up to forty odd tonnes, but the guide said it definitely wasn't aliens. Not sure how he know though, because personally I saw absolutely no evidence to suggest it wasn't aliens. It seems like the only rational explanation.

Watched some more of the dance rehearsals that evening, and after getting some food we headed to try and find some open air concert we'd heard about. Unfortunately, we got soaked before we found it. Easter Island can certainly generate a proper rainstorm! After having to shelter for ages, and failing to flag down a taxi back, the rain stopped long enough to get back to the campsite. There were discussions of going out later, but given the weather, we took a raincheck (excuse the pun). Decided to have a brief kip instead and reassess the situation later, but inevitably trying to have a short sleep at 10.30pm ends one way: waking up 4 or more hours later! That put paid to going out.

That day I was barely capable of walking though. I think my feet had reacted badly to all the hiking in Patagonia as when I wore my flip flops in Mendoza, I got loads of blisters on the bottom of my feet, and they seemed to be getting worse. I thought it was just the odd blister, but there were loads on both feet. Perhaps there was some sort of religious significance, but one of the disadvantages of travelling alone is that there is nobody to check whether there are images of Jesus on the soles of your feet.

Had a surfing lesson the next day. I had a surf lesson in Sydney a couple of years ago, and I have definitely got worse since. Completely failed to get anywhere near standing up. There were some pretty big waves and all I really succeeded in doing was getting hit in the head by my board, getting hit in the head by someone elses board and getting sunburnt. I had been given some t-shirt to wear that was at least two sizes too small and it kept riding up; I had to keep pulling it down just to avoid nipple chafe, but lying face down on a surf board (on the rare occasions I hadn't fell off it) meant my back got pretty badly burnt.

Went to a show that evening with Andy which was traditional music and dance. Was really good as they were all in costume too. The bloke's costume was little more than body paint and an ill-fitting pair of swimming trunks, although fellas, I think everyone would appreciate if you did your bikini lines a bit better next time...

Hired a mountain bike the next day and cycled round the island. Its probably only 30k all the way round so very do-able in a day. Stopped at one of the beaches for lunch and a nap, but within minutes it started raining, putting a dampener on that (another pun I hope you'll excuse). Not the first time on my trip I've arrived at a beach and its started raining. It didn't get a lot better either as it rained pretty heavily for two hours so in the end I was completely soaked. My cheap digital watch from Costa Rica, which it is worth pointing out is 30m water resistant, died as water got in it, although it did recover a day or two later. The watch I started my trip with was 50m water resistant, and it died in the rain too!

Went into 'town' that night to a couple of night clubs and its a pretty lively night out for such a small island. Was out until the early hours, but still made it to church on Sunday morning! It is one of the main attractions of the island apparently. Could only stand outside as it was full, but was quite interesting anyway. Went to the museum after then walked up volcano Rano Kao, now extinct, to the ancient Orongo village, now uninhabited.

Sunday was football day, so watched two of the local teams in a six-a-side match. For all I know they were maybe the only two teams on the island. The standard can best be described as shocking! I've never seen such an insistence on playing high long balls in a six a side match. It might have been more successful had anyone been able to trap a ball. But what it lacked in quality it made up for in entertainment value. I felt sorry for the horse though because it normally lives on the football pitch but had to be moved to the side.

My last full day on the island I went horse riding, as this seemed to be the best (i.e. least strenuous) way of seeing the northern part of the island. I had precisely zero control over this horse as it refused to respond to any of my instructions. I think it must have skipped breakfast too as it just kept stopping to eat grass. I tried pulling the reins but it was having none of it. When I did hold them so it couldn't pull its head down, it just sat on its front legs almost throwing me off over its head in the process! And it would only respond to noises made by the guide so I was pretty helpless.

When we got to the volcano - Maunga Teravaka, the highest point on the island - we got off the horses, but I kind of fell off. The ground wasn't where I was expecting so ended up lying there with one foot still in one of the stirrups. I'd love to say I got dragged for several hundred yards at speed before hauling myself back on the horse, but it just stood there eating grass generally uninterested in my clowning around.

When we got back I fared little better trying to get off as when I tried to move my leg over the horses back I got cramp, so had to climb off the horse onto a fence! Was good though and the horse actually properly ran, which was good as it is really smooth. When it galloped I was bouncing around loads, so speed was good. Pity I had no control over it though as at times when I was bouncing around I was pleading with it to go faster but to no avail.

Went snorkelling later around a tiny island just next door called Motu Nui. Not an abundance of marine life but the water was crystal clear, and the contrast in colour when the reef finishes and there is nothing but water (you can't even see the bottom) it looks really spectacular. And with the sun shining down into the water and the silence, it was almost like you were hallucinating, although Mum, if you're reading, I am only guessing because I have never taken hallucinogenic drugs.

And that was pretty much it, as flew back to mainland Chile the next day. Would have been nice to have walked to the airport, just to say you've walked to an airport but it was far too hot, so rode there in the back of the hostel pick up truck. It might have been pricey, but Easter Island was really good and was well worth the visit.